Destructive Distillation

The End

2010-07-25T13:02:00.000+05:30

We had a great time together. But it is time for me to move on. I started this blog in May 2006. 4 years! Cant believe it. Dont know if it seems like yesterday or seems like ages ago. I had a great time and wrote many articles I love. There were many more which didnt make it out of my head. I always wanted to write much more and still do. Several blogs went and came but this stayed. But now this has to go too.

Everything I write from now on (other than about Cinema and Digital Media of course) will be on my personal domain at http://vemana.in/stream . All the posts from this site have been exported there and available under the category 'Destructive Distillation'.

[update: They wont be available there. Just here. This blog will be what it was, My first blog and will remain be back to being exclusive.
I am a new person now. I have a new blog. :) Check it out http://vemana.tumblr.com ]

Au Revoir.

Are you fine?

2010-07-12T21:46:00.005+05:30

A: How are you?
B: I am fine.

Him: Are you doing alright?
Her: I am fine.
X: Are you fine?
Y: I am fine.

More often than not 'I am fine' is not being fine. It is just a filler. It is a defacto response. Just like when someone says "whatsup" the other says "nothing much". There might be a lot up but I am not going to just blurt it out right away. We need to build a conversation.

Similarily, when one is asked "How am I?" I might be good or bad but I would say fine. Actually if one is actually doing fine or good or great he or she would tell it out emphatically. But a nonchalant or dull or sad, fine means anything but that. Nonchalant is disappointment, dull is for boredom and sadness is for well sadness or misery.

But well you might just be not interested and your fine might be just a filler. I am not saying I have decoded the fine but just saying 'fine' has more meaning and layers attached to it than any other associated words. Good means good, great means great, not good means not good but fine could mean anything at all.
Also no one is ever just fine for more than a brief moment. Reflect upon it and you will find that you are more often than not either doing good, feeling bad, happy or sad. Being just fine is a rarity, well atleast for me and that is just swell actually. Who wants a life where fine is good enough?

Que sera sera

2010-06-28T12:56:00.001+05:30

Que sera sera

Whatever will be, what will be

The Future is not ours to see.

Life goes on come what may. But it doesnt mean that we cant control it. The future is not ours to see but it us ours to mould. You just turn the direction and pattern of things while you mould, you cant control all degrees of freedom. Similarily the control I am talking about is of a mouldable nature. Life has its own way. We just have to adapt and make it our own. It throws different things at us. We get to decide what to do with those things

I decided to make my own path. It consisted of a simple rule. Plan but let life happen to you, dont resist it. There are two ways I move now. One as per a general outline and other open to chance. You never know when what may come up. There are far too many variables I cant control or even comprehend. So, though I am going to have a destination I am not going to be afraid of trying out a new path or even take a detour.

Life goes on come what may. Several things have happened and are happening which are changing the way I live and impressing upon the way I think. (I shall write about them soon) It has been a busy month and several things are happening and so many at once, it is overwhelming. I am not paying as much attention as I should to some very important things. There are so many important things and those which cant wait, it is tiring. If only I could freeze time and get things done.

I could rant on but I am not going to. It is pointless. It is about making the most of what is thrown at us and chiseling at it they way I can. I shall welcome it with arms wide open.

Need...to...write

2010-06-25T00:06:00.001+05:30

I was about to type in "reader" into the firefox awesome bar and go away to a sanctum of soaking in the wise words of learned people and new revelations of the seekers in the realms of social and digital media, arts and culture, gadgets and technology. But once I would take the plunge the day (or rather night) would end for me with going to sleep after the headiness and the weight of the newly obtained information.

But NO! I shall write today. I have been mulling over a couple of months to write various stuff and even after having decided a couple of weeks back of what to do, I hadnt taken the plunge. My laziness is not the only thing to be blamed for it. Life has been moving at a good pace and things are happening; good and bad. That is a good thing but not always a smooth one. Those stories are for other days.

Today I shall write. From today I shall write. I have had a serious writing classifying disorder. Just like my interests, my writing is varied and I need to write in different forms and feel that I should be doing it at different places. I wanted a blogger, tumblr, posterous etc However that dilemma ends today and the drought too. I shall write about everything (except two topics) at one place, ie here and I shall write a lot. From what I have learned people get better by practice and by expression.

I solemnly swear to put down all ideas as and when I can and put them out as tweets and the longer ones as posts here. For professional and brand building reasons all my writing about cinema will be at Too Much Cinema and all my writing about new and digital media will be at the soon to be unveiled digitality.in. Everything else from commentary, rushes (my previous destructive distillation posts have been imported here), poetry and fiction shall be here and properly tagged and categorized. So I shall write. And I have a lot to. But now I need to go read.

[update: things have changed. This belonged here. My Site will not have blog posts. So this one is back here. New random blog for a new me is at Tumblr, And segregation is what works best]

Deconstructing Crowds

2009-12-27T22:26:00.003+05:30

I have been wanting to write something for so long. There have been several ideas and I have been noting them down. I had to pick one and write. I wanted to do it chronologically but no! This one couldnt wait. It had to come out. But it did not come out all of a sudden and burst into this blog post. It was an idea which stuck. It was mulled over, a sample was thrown out to people in the form a facebook update but there was more to be told. So it was broken down (or contextually) put through destructive distillation and then it emerged more sensible and lucid. It is vocal and clear about what it has to convey. The idea did emerge, complete or not.

Crowds are a collection of individuals. These are individuals who are motivated by a common idea which couldnt wait. They are there for a purpose and want to accomplish it. However when these individuals cease being so and become a crowd the purpose gets distorted and no one really know what they are doing anymore and why? How do crowds think, process data and take decisions? There is no thinking at all. Data is processed at the surface and decisions are made by the most vocal or charming individual in it or even outside. These individuals can sway the crowds to their tune and make the crowds do things, their constituent’s wouldnt ordinarily do or even contemplate doing. Crowds can be very dangerous as they are powerful weapon and when in wrong hands (like they most often are) they can cause a lot of damage physically and socially. What’s worse is these crowds are drunk in whatever idea they are fuelled by they lose the common human decency and do so much damage in and around and onto themselves too. They are so drunk on it that they cant feel their own burning skin and in the process some constituents get consumed and some others damaged beyond repair.

Perfectly sane, well motivated individuals have become impetuous sheep. They are no longer rational and systematic, there is peer pressure involved and patience always runs out far more quickly in a collective than in an individual. It is the cumulative tension which is blocking their otherwise rational heads. Now the whole concept of a crowd is pointless beyond the false display of strength and solidarity. It enrages others who are outside the fold as it can be an intimidating and damaging unit. A crowd can be disbanded with force. It can be labelled with a name, demerited and discredited of its purpose. In short the idea can be squashed. When a crowd loses energy, the idea dies among most of its constituents.

Imagine a protest (or anything which calls for a crowd) without a crowd. It can be done. What is a crowd made of? Individuals. Who do they seek commands from? An individual. So if it is individuals who are working on/for an idea why form a crowd? The individuals can retain their heads and the idea cant be squashed as it is discrete and lives on. Where will the opposition bring down the hammer? Even if it targets the individuals, it cant possibly capture them all and there is bound to be pilferage. Those who escape will propagate the idea. All actions will be well thought out, planned and executed systematically, without haste and as much deliberation as possible, just like this post was. Now what might be missing making the action (and this post) incomplete will be appended or advised (through comments) by those who share the idea and build upon the base making it better. When working on an anything many minds are better than one only if they can work independently without pressure of one another.

p.s: This isnt something new. Undercover agents and resistance movements have done it for ages immemorial.

Age, life, birthdays and me

2009-11-06T23:44:00.006+05:30

After 7 months I am back. I dont know why but I just knew today I am writing a post and I knew which one too. This post is about birthday, age, life and other reflections which pop up under what are called 'Similar topics'. The idea of this post has been in my head for over an year now. I thought I would write something on my 22nd birthday and compare it to what I wrote on my 20th here. I shot past the birthday mark and then by the time I could write it my life has changed so what was a post of one idea became two and of course by the way this started you know its going to be a big one. Get your coffee mugs or thinking hats and sit down. Cos I have quite a bit to say.

It is quite remarkable how life changes within some fleeting moments and more remarkable how it remains the same far too painfully long. I can accept the changes as I believe in the theory that we are a sum of all those things we have been exposed to right from our childhood and some small things could be revelations as they uncover and unite a bunch of emotions and thoughts which were subconscious and discrete. But what I cant understand is how many people let their lives remain the same for decades together. When there is no novelty, where is the rush of thought and action? Where is the joy of life when you arent learning anything new today? How can you live in the same zip code all your life?

Sometimes though you are learning a lot, life remains static and enters a pattern and we feel like that stunt biker in a cage in the circus who circles around pretty fast. We too go on doing those sequence of actions pretty well but we forget how to slow down and go to the bottom of cage so that you can leave it. You feel this is exhilirating enough, I dont need new rushes in life. That is Death or atleast its half brother called Coma.

Why I am talking about changes in life is because as you keep living and keep changing you incorporate newer stuff into you and grow into a better and wiser person everyday. It is true what they say, experience is quite a teacher and pretty important too. But look for experience in variety and not in monotony. The reason I am saying all this is because in the last birthday post called 20 and me, I had talked about how significant 20's are and how I was not ready to take up the tag and I was going to skip being 20 and turn up 21 one fine day. I missed that too. I was stuck being 19 till I was almost 23.

Age is just a number they say. They say it is all in the mind. True. But for majority of the people Age is a fairly good approximation of where or what they are. At 16, you pass 10th; at 18, you are joining graduation. At 21 or 22 you either take up a job or do your post graduation. At 25 or 27 you are married and by 30 you are a father and so on. So I wont deride age for being irrelevant. Why said I was stuck at 19 till I was almost 23 was because of what I was doing. At 19 I was in my second year of engineering and had a set of activities and they were the same ones which I had carried on till I finally got a job in June this year. Though I was aging in time and though learning new stuff, I hadnt seen any significant change which made me feel any different from what I felt I was at 19. It was the same loafing around, spending time with friends, watching tons of movies and TV shows etc. When I did get a job the dynamics changed, I knew immediately that I stopped being 19 and suddenly became almost 23. Since then this post has been lingering in my head. I finally turned 23 exactly two weeks ago and about time I wrote this.

This post could have been titled '23 and me' as a sequel to '20 and Me' but there is this genetic testing tool of the same name which was titled 'Invention of the year' in 2008. But I dint want to have a knock off title which dint have an appropriate tip of the hat. Just like I keep to my writings and titles original, I dont want to be a knock off in my life too. I somehow feel 99.9% of us end up being so. We do our graduations and if you are hyderabad and even litttle smart, I bet you with 50:1 odds you are an engineer. Then we either have to take up cushy jobs in an IT giant or go do an MS OR MBA and join a cushier firm. Thats it. In someway we are all knockoffs and in a definitely traceable way our societies just want us to be. Mera pappu bahut intelligent hai, hum use engineer ya doctor banayenge. Not an artist, not a mathematician, an accountant, a lawyer never a teacher and seldom a sportsman. Maybe a cricketer if the school coach thinks he is good and they have already given up on his chances of an IIT by 6th standard. Why do we take this crap? We are made to believe that is really we want. I am pretty sure the odds are some of us really want it but I know most of us 'engineers' dont know what we were doing there though we entered the damn colleges thinking we will conquer the world.

Why cant we ask the question? What would I truly want to do? I did. I got some answers. Those answers have changed twice in 3 years and 4 times in 8 years. People call me confused, fickle minded and lot other things but I see the changes in what I want to do as a form of evolution, shedding things which I thought/was told were right but dint fit and growing wings which I know will take me to great heights or atleast happy heights. Too much fantasy they might say, but I already had made my intentions clear when I said "I dream, therefore I am"

What if you fail? Thats alright. Though it might be painful and exceedingly tough it is worth going through as by taking the first step itself I have done what many couldnt. I dont want to wake up one day when I am 40 and realize I havent done anything worthwhile in my life. I want to write, I want to consume tons of media and maybe control making some of it. I want to travel the world, live in great cities and I want to change skins every few years. I want to atleast try. I dont want to die a thousand deaths of compromise.

Well I have covered age, my life and a whole lot of me and that finally brings us to birthdays. I didnot celebrate my birthday this year. I didnt have the mood to do so. I I have been busy and turning 23 was ominous enough. I wanted to go away somewhere and reflect on it in solitude but that dint happen. So on top of that I did not want 200 people calling, texting, leaving wall posts and scraps reminding me about it. Atleast not this year. I do like the idea of a party. Lavish gifts for myself and huge celebration with everyone I know just because a number flipped but I dont know why I would do that if

I am not happy.
I havent accomplished anything offlate.
I dont have the money to blow.

So no birthday for me this year but hopefully next year I want one. A birthday filled with happiness, accomplishement, joy of living life on my own terms and being rich doing so. So I end this wishing for a happy 24th.

p.s: Another reason I turn of birthday notification is to see how many people actually remember my birthday. I advise you not to do it if you cant stomach the bitter results. Well if you are still studying and have peers around it is a different thing, they all wait for it get a chance to kick you.

A writer blocked

2009-03-30T20:08:00.009+05:30

2 months and 3 days since I last updated this blog. It has been a busy few weeks but still not an excuse for not having written anything. Barring a few film reviews I haven’t written in a long time. I feel frustrated, angry and bitter in such circumstances because this is one of things I do well and definitely the most gratifying. My love for writing is immeasurable and I keep pining for free undisturbed time with a pen and paper (or a keyboard and computer even). My feeling here would be similar to that of which one would experience when missing a loved one. My relationship with paper is deep and strong and I have talked about it before. Now I am trying to articulate the reason I need that paper.

Any writer knows that his imagination is most fertile and his work more interesting when he has new experiences in life. Excitement caused by various circumstances fuel the fire to burn words onto paper. The last few weeks have been exciting and enriching with new experiences as I got to travel, explore, and face challenges among other things. These experiences create a gold mine ready to be tapped. When I am left to reflect and observe in a new place, under new circumstance; it is almost as if I wear a miner’s hat and start digging around the mine I have been put in. Everything I do, everyone I meet, every interesting train of thought I have is a potential mine.

The plot only gets thicker and deeper and darker. For someone who is so submerged in the desire to write and has got a natural inclination to do so, subconsciously every moment passes through the sieve for writing material. May be it is in the way I think, way I experience and the way I act that the writer in me emerges from. When I always live out of my own skin studying the situation I am in, I feed this writer with more source material giving him different perspectives, narratives and treatments. Or is it the writer in me that has overpowered me to behave in such a manner so that everything I see, I screen and the valuable material I capture and chronicle? Regardless of whichever is true I always find myself thirsty for new sources of inspiration and hungry for new scenarios to live and thereafter write.

If you ask me at any given time the thing I most want to do is write. As I had described before the way I function makes my head an industrial workshop constantly churning out ideas and there are only so many that I can contain and handle in the few cu.cm in the cranium of mine. To address that issue I have an effective note taking system to safely catalogue the ideas I have with key words. There have been so many ideas, thoughts and premises that I have thought of that the 3’x2’ white board hanging on my wall has no space to add anymore. Wherever I go, whatever I do it I keep getting the ideas which I need to pen down in order to save from extinction. I make notes and move on as I find myself to be too busy for writing at that point of time. Several folded white papers used for making notes lie on my desk I sit here staring at them wanting to pick one and just write. But where do I start, what do I say? There are just so many things I want to write on/about that I feel like retiring to an inaccessible place where I am cut off from everything else in the world and no one would be disturb me. There, in that serene heaven comparable to the grey havens on middle earth; I want to pick up each paper, start typing away the blog post, the poem, the short story, the novel or the film script I had planned on a particular idea (or set of ideas).

Each of these ideas is as dear to me as a child. Some get sent to prep school and prepare for a brighter future (the really good ones which are grand), Some die prematurely due to bad health (weak concept), some get old and lose their memory (never being executed and the keywords losing their meaning) and the remaining are fed suitably and sent to work as soon as they learn their trade (the ones which make to my blogs and archives). Times like these I am uneducated and gullible dog (bitch rather) giving birth to children by the scores and not tending to them properly. And I don’t like being a dumb livestock animal. I want to learn to be productive and raise these children well.

In short, I am constantly thinking if I can write this, if I can write that and hence I am unknowingly always looking (and finding) for things to write on. Also I am contemplating upon how I would capture this or that in all its intensity, enigma and emotions it invokes in me and others. Writing is a key component of my existence and fuel for my fire is activity. Activity in the last year has been at precariously low levels and the mind of mine has gone into overdrive in compensation. As a result I have been wanting to churn out a lot of stuff and expect the free time I have now enables me to materialize those thoughts into words. I hope this post sets the ball rolling.

p.s: Long post I know. the ball was just rolling. Here is some comic relief

Anatomy of Choice

2009-01-27T22:10:00.008+05:30

There are instances in everyone's life where one has to stop and choose between things. Each option leads to a unique path and a different outcome. We bear responsibility for what we choose and have to live with it. However, there are times where we have a choice but we dont get to make it, something or someone else does it for us. We just accept what has been done for us and move on. What do we make out of the choice? How do we react to its eventual outcome? Was it destiny or just sheer lack of trying or as some psychologist would say, insufficient internal locus of control?

Lets take an example. I get a call and have to meet this friend at a certain place. I have several alternatives for making the journey. I can go by bus, auto, bike or a car. However due to a time constraint I prefer a personal mode of transport. So, that would be either the bike or the car. Each has its pros and cons. The car is quite comfortable and I get to hear music though it takes longer to travel and traffic, parking can be issues. The bike is quick and economical but highly stressful and less safe. I would think about the place I have to go to , time of travel , returning time and other factors before I make a decision. That is what one does when he or she has the choice. Later if the person gets stuck in a huge jam or get hit by someone or get injured or is involved some freak occurrence which shall cause loss or damage, it would be something he can accept and move on for it was his decision.

But what we have the choice but are unable to make it for ourselves. We are quite keen on it but dont have the final say. Taking the same example as before, I have decided that I need personal transport and have to choose between the bike and the car. If however the car keys were missing and a few minutes of search dont yield them, the option of the car, though available, isnt really there. So though I may have chosen the car because I dint want to deal with the stress of swerving in and out in a bike, it doesnt matter. I shall have to settle for the bike or else abandon the trip(or the choice of using personal transport atleast).

There is a term for this: Hobson's Choice. Wikipedia describes it as follows: A Hobson's choice is a free choice in which only one option is offered, and one may refuse to take that option. The choice is therefore between taking the option or not taking it, colloquially formulated as "take it or leave it." Here the only one option is the bike.

Now I contemplate about the choice I had to make, not as a result of selection but out of compulsion. There is a consequence for every action, an effect for every cause. We make decisions and pick from options to control those consequences and effects. For only when we get to control what is happening to and around us do we tend to have a better grasp of what is to become of us. However if this control is only an illusion and the choice is that of Hobson's and I was destined to take the bike and fate hid the car keys; what do I do? How do I understand and accept that I am just a pawn in the game or ever worse just a random event in the universal chaos? So here are the two answers for this riddle: chance and destiny.

Either it was a matter of chance, an agent of randomness and chaos, that bike was to be my companion and not the car. In the infinite scenarios occurring in the universe, countless dice roll and corresponding actions happen and the selection of bike was one. Or I am just a piece in the great jigsaw puzzle some greater power is playing and I can do nothing but try fit in the place He wants me to go and do the things I am supposed to do, all with an illusion that I am doing it out of my own accord. He has ordained (or written it down as some say) beforehand that though I shall want to use the car, I shall not find my keys and settle for the bike.

But for me there is a third answer! Me.

I recently took a Locus of Control test and it turns out that I have a high internal locus of control. That is, I believe that I am responsible for the good and bad results in my life and that my destiny is in my control rather than in the hand of others, fate or god. I think it is true, I do hold myself responsible (and a little too much too ) for what happens to me. So I am the cause for all the effects and stimuli for the actions and their consequences. So maybe the keys were right there and I dint find them. It is a matter of probability of finding the car keys or doing anything else, if you choose to. By the Infinite Monkey theorem if i try enough number of time I would get any desired result. So if I had looked at more places, more carefully for the keys, I would have found them and made the trip in the car.

However, I have to admit inspite of all vehemence that not everything is in my control. Actions have consequences which depend on other people's actions. Effects are based upon multiple causes, of nature, other people and even of chance. It is like after enough time spent, I find the car keys but still have to choose bike to make the trip because the oil is leaking or someone has blocked my car and is not to be found. This is something I have to live with and accept, for inspite of all control I would like to wrest over my life, somethings tend to have an undeterminable course.

Phases of Life

2008-12-12T20:42:00.003+05:30

Nothing lasts forever. Actually some things don’t last long enough. Some last too long. We go through various phases in life. Is it we who desire change or the times that change us? Could be none, could be both. Everything keeps changing from time to time and our whole lifestyle itself every few years. If you look back at your life you will definitely find certain such phases where there was some distinct difference between the You in every such period. Some are common to all of us; some are very personal and can only be defined by the individual.

From my active memory possibly the first of such part in life would be all of it till the end of primary school. There was the bliss of innocence and the gift of nonchalance. Nothing in the world was very important and the world was quite small. As primary ended and the high school began, so did the next phase called discovery. The world is not as small as I imagined and the magnitude of it is too large for any one man to comprehend. But I being the very curious and nosy the days of learning began. The basic things began to have a meaning and as number of things kept growing the blank innocence withered away and another kind grew; the assumption of ideal behaviour from everything. Everything is as I read and everything is as my elders told me. No one lied and the bad people were only in the stories or being constantly fought with, captured and put away.

But I soon realise there is no Santa Claus and I was utterly wrong. The world works imperfectly and it is the best it can. Nothing is ever pure, there is no such thing as free will or true democracy. Our education is like the ideal gas equation, easily put down and easily dispensed with very conveniently shoving the “ideal” assumptions under the carpet. It is what the world says, not does. This phase was all spent in loss of innocence. As school ended I had put away the debilitated cotton coat of ideals and principles and being replaced with the mink one made of goals and achievement.

So there I was at the end of that phase thinking it is ok that the mechanisms of the world may be strange but the true assets of civilization are its people. Love everyone, trust everyone. Fraternity, equality and liberty were the tenets of our society. If not as a whole, each of can be what we are and not pretend, deceive and lie for recognition, power and status. Money is valuable and you better have enough of it. People aren’t that innocent as they seem and everybody has to earn respect or pay for it. You need to swim in the stream or the stream takes you where it desires. As I passed through graduation I had these epiphanies and I learnt that you need to be somebody else to be really you. Or you could be you and not care for anybody else and all that. You really could be whatever and whoever you want. Just not the Mahatma Gandhi’s or the Karl Marx’s of the world. Dont get me wrong here I do not subscribe to either of their views or say any of this out of contempt as most people I know do. I say with belief that this is how it is. Either put up a fight and change it or believe in what you have learned about it.

Graduation has ended and so did another phase. Each time the fundamental priority in one’s life changed it was one of these phase which ended and another began. We had a gang (or rather a set of friends if you please) at school, another in “junior college”, and some other in college. One gang at a workplace and some other at another. Yes we still have friends from each of those times, some close and some others not so much. We meet them from time to time but when you hark back to a particular phase it is those who you were with at school or work who define that period of life.

There is another thing with these phases. Life through them is a breeze as more or less life has a particular routine and the factors remain the same. It is however hard at the beginning of the phase with the new environment and people. And it is hard at the environment with inertia against change and nostalgia kicking in. It’s particularly hard and painful if you are stuck between two phases, one which has ended and another is yet to start. It is like walking from one station to another; very lonely, boring and possibly painful. All those who were with you got down at a station and changed trains or moved on to next.

P.S: Yes some phases also depend upon non fundamental things and could interlap with others, like going to a tuition, or the weekly club you attend etc.

aSleep?

2008-11-08T05:53:00.003+05:30

I lay on my bed trying to fall asleep and I lay there for an unusually long time wondering about things. Very random thoughts creep into my head. Several ideas for fiction are bouncing around the walls. I play them and try building storylines assuming I will fall asleep soon lost in some storyline. It doesn’t happen. I start making a mental list of things l need to do. I start enumerating them and presume that all the heavy memorising will break my consciousness. It doesn’t. I don’t remember anything at the end and neither have I fallen asleep. I next contemplate of what I should buy with the little money I have. There are as always a hundred things I desire to have but money is hardly sufficient for one. I sort of decide what I want but then ponder over it, wondering if it is a wise investment. Several minutes have passed and I have hardly reached a decision. The hope that the ever difficult decision process will put me to sleep is gone. This trick too has fallen flat on its face.

I get up and settle in front of the computer. I browse some random sites, check mail and social networking sites after which I watch an episode of some tv show. This generally tires me out and I sleep peacefully. No, not this time. After lying on my bed for a few more minutes, I get up and grab my ipod, play some soothing post rock. The serene and peaceful music should calm my nerves and deaden the intense brain activity and lullaby me into deep sleep. Listening to the soothing music, I imagine myself to be in the beautiful and vast expanses of Iceland and slowly fall asleep. Atleast that is what I thought would happen.

Very frustrated now, I get up to pick my trump card to trounce this opponent. I pick a book I have been reading for a while and flick through the pages as if it were a picture book and it is done. Why do I still feel awake? I pat myself wondering if I have transcended into sleep and imagined the ending of the book and the end of the read. It turned out to be not a delusion but the truth. The ghosts of objects, tasks and people, real and fictional now haunt me. I am flabbergasted as no Goliath can put down this David and this is not even a story for a remarkable underdog win. This is my sleep that I used to have remarkable control over. It has gone out of my reach now. I want sleep, very desperately but it has forsaken me. It will play dirty tricks in the day tomorrow, spoil my morning and afternoon and hamper whatever work I have.

“O Sleep! I see what you have done. However I shall not give in and you shall not win this battle, I shall resist you until tomorrow’s night when you shall definitely give in as your partner in crime, ie my body shall betray you. Ha! Meanwhile I shall tell the world about your antics. “

Superstar

2008-08-11T18:07:00.005+05:30

There cannot be a better time for this post. I shall have the support of the crowds including the usual detractors to my stance over rain and cloudy days after the battering our lives took due to the incessant rainfall over the weekend. I have talked a lot about the rain in my previous posts like The Solar Eclipse and Awake or Asleep . Monsoons are very disempowering and impose a totalitarian rule on all civilisation. However the protagonist of my tale is the champion of all life and the fountain of spirit. (Forgive the enemy’s aqueous metaphor.) He brings joy into the world and we weave our lives around his schedule. We get a little uncomfortable when he is near and miss his warmth when he is far away. He is like the parent or guardian who we love and have taken for granted. Undeservingly huge number of songs has been written about rains and cloudy days and the romance that ensues. Far few have been on the great star of our system, the Sun.

After a cat nap near the end of a dull afternoon, now rejuvenated, I decided it is time to watch a movie. My stomach said it needed a refill after the lunch’s batch had moved on and I decided to make a quick trip to the general stores nearby. I saw that the day had brightened and a faint smile crept onto my face. I didn’t get what I wanted at the store and decided to head back home. And then the clouds parted and the Sun appeared. I was there on the road to welcome him with a broad smile and my heart filled with immense glee. They were the first rays of direct sunlight one had seen for nearly a hundred hours. I congratulated myself for having made a wise move to venture out of my cave and prowl the streets for some insignificant reason. I was rewarded with the sightings of my favourite superstar. Compared to this, my excitement if suddenly a celluloid or sports superstar decided to pay a visit to my street would be mild. I basked in the sunshine and my skin felt alive with warmth it brought. I remembered that I had left my cell phone at home and someone would call me and I wouldn’t be there to pick up. A modern life instinct told me I had to go back and be with it. “No! “I said to myself,” I need to stay here and enjoy the arrival of my hero.” I decided to lengthen my trip by going on to the next store, further away to relish the exclusive company. On the way there I automatically began writing this post in my mind.

The Sun had fought a week long battle against the evil empire of the sullen, dark, heavy and showering clouds and finally won. The victory was evident as graphically as it can be. The Sun had come up and settled on his throne. The dark clouds were falling down into the horizon. It was as if the Sun had torn them apart with his bare hands and was humiliating them by stamping them down onto the ground for torturing his beloved subjects in recent past. I could see His Majesty’s cabinet and guard in the form of bright white clouds and the merry birds follow him and take out a procession to celebrate his victory. The sky had sprung to life donning a beautiful blue and so had all the creations around me. They came out of their homes and began to show their gratitude to the Emperor. He too was happy and glowed warmly in a modest way not too concerned about the victory in this battle. He had seen far too many battles of this kind. However he has been known to get carried away by his power sometimes and be harsh on his subjects by showing his anger or by denying them of his audience. But however moody he might be, his warmth is what sustains and breeds life.

All you romantics, who yearn for a dull cloudy day to be lost in your inconsequential and soon forgotten dreams, take a break! Life is sometimes is about the doing and right now, as direct, uncontrived and plain as the Sun itself. Go out and enjoy the melody of sunshine!

The Solar Eclipse

2008-08-04T21:46:00.006+05:30

Transmission stops. Darkness falls. A single, dull source of light glows in the room. UPS shrieks. I sigh. Helplessly and begrudgingly I begin shutting down the computer and gasp for a breath of activity for what ensues is static, a dark empty space of blankness. I now begin to wonder what I should do. I walk out of my enclosure, a curtained and cordoned off area in a familial space called home.

There is darkness everywhere and I see that the sun has gone to rest after trying so hard in vain to permeate the thickened and conspiring clouds which have new found strength to bombard us with a harmless chemical and yet disrupt our lives and dampen our spirits. I look around to see who else is at home. Seems like no one except my dear grandma; my ever present companion at home. For we are two souls with so much in common on some days like this when we are stuck at home glued to our life support systems with little else to do; her’s being the television and mine the computer. I dash off a few smses to a few friends with the standard greeting: “hey wassup?”. A reply from some saying that they are busy and from others nothing.(at least as of now). I settle on the couch opposite the one with my grandma resting and inquire as to where everyone else is. With my database updated and mind blank I say “hey wassup?”. And she is like hmmmm. Er... wrong language. I go to system settings and in preferences change language settings to ‘domestic telugu’. Well now with modifications made I ask her about the well-being and whereabouts of my cousins and uncles.

The sole, puny candle illuminating the room is flickering violently and seems to be on it's death bed with all it's face almost completely melted and the wick of life almost burnt. The small talk has come to a slow halt and I guess it is time for a healthy successor to the candle. I run back to my room unconsciously relying on the fact that having lived here for so many years and after innumerable very late night ventures for water and food I would make my way back with ease. I find the candle at its designated URL, as no one else has the permission to edit the layout of this ~~fort~~ room. Suddenly something strikes me and I begin to look for something which could soothe my trepidations over boredom. The something isn’t in its place and I dont have its location in my RAM. So I grope in the dark and lo! I find something which can do something to find something. Let there be light I said (thanks to timex, not God) and I restart my search for something . All the usual suspects seem innocent and its time to access my hard disk. Aah! the something was used yesterday and was in something to carry it. I finally find the something and start swaying. My ipod has light too, a much brighter one and the timex can rest. In the bag I find some additional goodies and take them along.

With a wide grin I present my grandma the young and not so handsome candle, which she lights up and puts by the dying one on the third step of the nearest flight of stairs. I settle down on the first step and dig out the paper and pencil (the goodies) to write this tale. A thought suddenly strikes me and I am transported into a hall of time. I wonder about life pre-dating electricity and the lamp. A shiver goes down my spine imagining the primeval life and how I would have been a weakling and soon thrown into the recycle bin. Now, there is light anywhere I want; on my wrist, in my right pocket and my left. All I have to do is press a button or run my finger on a click wheel. I need not don a sonorous voice and say the words ‘Let there be light’ unless I yearn for some theatrics. Too deep and too far I say. Anyhow, my mind now is ruminating on what to write and I gaze at the darkness trying to ambush light on my grandma. I am again in the hall of time looking at time and place co-ordinates on the wall. Where would she fit in? What could she have been doing at my age? I ask her a series of questions about her family of which I knew little and the threads are laid bare. So after half an hour of inquisition, the database is again up to date and proper backrub of links created, which would have made Google proud, for there is completeness in indexing and a search in that aspect will yield the most appropriate results.

We now are frustrated with the absence of power as we both long to get back to our respective life support systems. I wait to jump into my lair and switch on the firewall. We curse the wily ‘power’ mongering freaks in our (colony’s) backyard, sitting in their well-lit offices and giving electric supply to the pan dabba outside their APSEB quarters. There is no electricity for a couple of miles all around except for points like these. Tired after the tirade we get back to our stations, she on the couch and me at the bottom of stairs. I do a few stretch exercises of both limb and mind and sit down to write what I intended to. And then the guy in the backyard says, “Let there be light” and I say “thank you, Almighty!” The solar eclipse of modern life ends and we get back to our lives.

Of age and adulthood

2008-07-24T22:26:00.004+05:30

My stigma with age continues and I, the ‘troubled non-teen’ return (last time time around I wrote this).

I will be 22 in a few months time now. I have finished my graduation and am at an important crossroads of my life with impending career decisions to make. The future is as clear as the proverbial London sky and I am worried. I set out to solve the various issues and a strong undercurrent makes it presence felt. I try and channelize the innumerable questions that are circulating in my head and what I have captured below seems no more than a trailer.

What is being an adult?

I am growing older by the numbers and responsibilities and duties in life arise every day. But I don’t feel any older. I don’t feel 21 or 22. I feel the same in spirit as I was when I just started out engineering at 18. So what exactly is being an adult is what I am waiting to find out. Is there always a change? An expected variation in behaviour, choices made, outlook to life. From the gloomy picture they paint of adulthood I have a bleak paranoid image of a more restrained, careful, moderate and dispassionate lifestyle. But I am having more fun and adventure than ever before with lesser supervision and more wisdom. So why exactly is this troublesome? Am I feeling this or is there really a demon lurking in the background with a wicked smile and glint in the ruby red eye that says you will know soon?

What is being old?

Why is it that people first size you up according to your age and only then by your talents and experience? Is it because of the masses? The majority of the population ages and metamorphosise in more or less the same manner at different agestones on the road of life and so they say. But aren’t are all our paths distinct and aren’t we diverse with different responses to similar stimuli, different skills and varied experiences? Even though the numbers say ‘old wine tastes better’, haven’t we witnessed enough examples of the younger surpassing the older in whatever criterion there is to measure success.

The learned have piles of experience accumulated and the vast amount of knowledge inherited often has a flaw of carrying forward existing shortcomings and woes. The novice has an advantage of a blank slate encouraging newer construction and novel perspectives. But the novice can go wrong for lacking the wisdom of the learned. Maybe there is no hard and fast rule as to who is better. So why can’t we abandon the practices of eras bygone and adopt meritocracy and social equality where young and old are equally respected and valued based on their skill over their wrinkles?

The Unconscious Castaway

2008-07-08T20:51:00.003+05:30

I am a lonely person. Not in the sense that I don’t have enough friends, am an outcast or don’t enjoy society! But that I spend most of my time alone. I have quite a circle of friends and love parties and meeting new people. Yet the time on hand far outweighs that spent in social grooming. College (of all the ones I had to join MJ) was just an extended vacation and now that graduation is done and I feel no different! I spend most of that time locked up in my room (and a secret lab that opens through a hidden door) cut off from the world. Paradoxically sitting there all I am doing is trying to decrypt and understand the world and its peoples with all the samples and data I got. There are days that I am hardly at home and there are days I don’t leave it at all. I forever ride this sinusoidal wave of alternating social over exposure and isolation. I love the company and I rejoice the time I spend alone learning and thinking and reflecting. It all fits in the natural cycle but there are times I have gone overboard and this is the tale of one horrid such instance.

After travelling to new places and states (read ADI and GNC in Guj and CST/MCT etc in Mah) in guise of attending interview for a B-school I return home. I stay there as there was no need to go to college or anywhere else. No immediate tasks to be undertaken or duties to be performed. With nothing to really get me out of my lethargical existence I was stuck in my room as if stranded on a ship with everything for survival except for other people. In that frightening stretch of 10 days there was minimal interaction with the external world. So what was I doing in that 200 sq ft of land? I was stuck in Seattle watching it rain outside the hospital all the time. Er? Yeah! I was watching Grey’s Anatomy for heaven sake! 72 episodes in 8 days! Watching straight 9 hours of bold and beautiful in a hospital everyday has that effect of transforming your reality. TV series are addictive and I was watching it even after it jumped the shark when McDreamy and Meredith broke up again! This was no exception; I began to have dreams involving those characters. (First it was Lost, then House and Prison Break, now this, next what?) Well Grey’s anatomy experience wasn’t new. But what followed was.

The ten days of self imposed social exile had an overbearing consequence. I had temporarily lost my social bearing and my social skills were jammed akin to radio signals or something. I started to notice the overbearing fits I put out when a task had to be done outside my premises. I was nervous when there was company and hence began to dread it due to my incapability of functioning well. I was claustrophobic when people were at a close proximity. I was intimidated by public places and scared of open expanses. I even didn’t have anything to say to people I knew very well and when I did say something it would turn out to be awfully wrong and embarrassing or insulting. Yet I braved all the danger and struggled on to return to normal. I did so soon and eventually it was like it never happened and the temporary scars on my personality gone but in my memory they remain.

P.S: Thank goodness it was a show about people like Grey’s Anatomy I was hooked onto. I wonder what would have rubbed onto me if it were something like Stuart little, Ratatouille and Pinky and the Brain or something like 2001: A Space Odyssey and Clockwork Orange etc. It gives me the chills.

The Right Size

2008-05-16T22:46:00.000+05:30

Expectations are an important cornerstone in any kind of relationship. We expect several things from our friends, family, colleagues, neighbours, favourite teams, politicians; well almost everybody and everything which has capacity to perform. Some of these expectations are very basic, some realistic and some extraordinary. These often tend to make or break the relationships.

Some of the strongest expectations I can think of are parental, of peers and self. Parents are the first people in our life and those who mould us into what we are. They are a huge support and strength for us. Right from childhood their expectations have a strong impact on an individual’s psyche and it is of utmost importance for the child to gain their approval and prevent disappointment. Peers influence our confidence in the society and strength to live in it. Our actions as perceived by those around us determine our social standing. We set ourselves goals and have ambitions. We expect effort and success from ourselves among other things.

Expectations are a huge burden to any soul; they add an extraneous element in every action and event occurring resulting in additional pressure to perform and succeed. Sometimes we fail due to expectations. Sometimes they help us match them. The expectations are bound to produce disappointments because more often than not when we expect good things from someone we don’t pay much attention to their shortcomings. Lack of expectations can surprise us, but rarely disappoint. When someone is low on self confidence or when things expected are bigger than his capabilities, self loathing and utmost contempt to task might be born and break his morale and cause a failure devastating to all parties concerned.

Why do we expect? We expect things from people who are important to us, those we care for, those who matter and play a part in our lives. We hope they do well, prove their mettle if not exceed themselves. However when expectations are not met, we tend to get utterly dejected. On repeated disappointments we lose faith and interest, further demoralising the subject of our expectations.

We always strive harder when things are expected of us but more often than not we perform as we would without expectations. There is a risk of running wild and going stray with no responsibility due to absence of expectations. Sometimes expectations below par may invoke higher competitiveness and produce better result. Expectations above par may beget minimum effort and produce results on par. We form our expectations from the way we imagine actions and events in our head with available data and try predict what could happen. If only we could all have realistic expectations or expectation slightly below or above par we could lead a more pleasant and less stressful lives.

Serendipity

2008-04-09T00:09:00.002+05:30

More often than not I have ignored Chance and the role it plays in our lives. Its role always seemed to be quite trivial in day to day matters. That seems to be the way to go for someone who believes one’s own ability and actions are determinant of what they are going to be and get in life. People like that (me included) tend to take all their credit for their success and blame for their failures without acknowledging luck, god and kith and kin. But beliefs undergo transitions, philosophies need adjustment and sometimes principles tumble down on their heads. Simply things change, maybe more, may be less.

Today was one such day. A dab on the head, a fortunate turn in series of events, a job in pocket (one I can actually join), a small change in belief and a big grin on my face. (All I feel like typing are the :) smile emoticons) I got placed in Satyam-Venture after clearing the final interview for which I had to be uncharacteristically patient enough to wait for 3 hours. For this I had to clear the group discussion to which i had to reach on time and could do so because a friend had dropped me there because he was at home burning some movies. He was here today specifically because I cut a deal of giving him company while he has fag and movies if he could take me home and drop back. I could meet him because I had glanced downstairs from the verandah on the fourth floor where I took the aptitude test. I had to rush home because I had to change into formals in case I made it through the test. I wrote the test because I was desperate for a ‘real’ job and the company had come to my college campus. I wouldn’t have known about this event hadn’t I called up my friend; to ask her, what she was up to and some minor details about the project documentation. I wouldn’t have called her if I wasn’t bored sitting alone in an unusually deserted college parking lot. I wouldn’t have been in the parking lot if hadn’t a reason to kill time. My reason being the clerk who had to give me challan to pay my fees hadn’t reported to work yet. I haven’t been so early to college in nearly six months. I did so because I had to give my car for servicing today and cars are accepted for servicing only before 9:30 a.m. That had to happen today because I was late on Saturday. I was late on Saturday because my tire blew and I had to replace it with the spare all on my own. It blew because I was pissed off and recklessly scratched my car on a zen’s number plate in Rythu bazaar. I was at Rythu bazaar because my mom had ordered me to pick her up there.

Quite an incredible chain of dominoes! It is too hard to believe that something so trivial can have such a far bearing impact. It is seems too stupid that I drew up this whole chain of events and hold them responsible for the ecstasy now. May be the ecstasy is what led me to write this stuff. May be it’s the relief that my 4 years of mechanical education means something that has induced ecstasy. Lo! There I go connecting again. Well it’s a good sign that this very fortunate accident has driven away clouds of uncertainty. The broken pieces of the mirror on the wall are falling back in place giving me some clarity. That is a relief... it is ecstasy... naaa its just Serendipity.

P.s: Thank you Mom, Mahavir Auto, Sirisha, Shravanth and all other things and people i havent yet connected to this chain of events.

Hide and Seek

2008-02-22T13:15:00.003+05:30

I was in a different world, totally engrossed in my thoughts and actions. I was bustling by and dancing to the tunes of celebrated artistes. I was an odd piece of the puzzle and dint care about where I fit in. Suddenly I stumble upon on another piece walking the same path as I did. There was confusion and we almost trample one another. I halt and with a smile let him move on first and solve the mix up. Gracefully he walks away and I continue too. We were strangers sharing a walk and with each of us maintaining a similar pace, we struck a conversation of sorts. There was no obligation in the relationship, sometimes I moved ahead and more often he did.

As the time passed we began to walk in stride and an understanding had formed. Sometimes he got stuck behind due to other people and vehicles on the walk and more often due to his odd footing. Whenever we moved out of stride due to obstacles on the path, adjustments were made and the routine resumed. Soon the gap between our trails narrowed and he began performing new actions. He sometimes used to slow down or stop for a moment while I pressed on as I always did. Sometimes he used to go ahead and check out the ground we walked on. Sometimes he used to switch sides and move from left to right and vice versa. Why did I feel like he was on a look out for miscreants and in a protective mode? I dint ask for it. Sometimes he used to stop and scratch his head, take a break. What he did during these times I never knew completely for I had only seen him scratch on the occasions I looked behind out of inquisitiveness. After a while, he began stopping and scratching in my view; i.e. when he had to stop and do so when he was ahead. I just kept on walking as always. The companionship was accidental and not really riveting.

But soon something didn’t feel right and it was not the people gaping. The something was the disparity between the kind of life we lead or type of people we were. The differences became too obvious and soon very inconvenient. Frankly he was itchy, grumpy and too different for my liking. It might sound cruel after all the camaraderie we shared but I couldn’t adjust into being a friend. We were two odd pieces in the puzzle but that doesn’t endorse a friendship or any other similarities in the type of people we were. We were two different odd pieces which don’t pair.

It was time to move on from the paired walking. I gave subtle references to the dog to let me alone. It could have been to refined for a canine brain to process. I stopped, he stopped; I ran and he ran too. I began devising plans to cut the cord. Should I enter the supermarket and leave him stranded outside? It wouldn’t work because eventually I had to come out and he would be waiting. I kept on walking and scheming, dismissing a few options and weighing the others. He was persistent and kept thwarting all my plans and also drew closer to me. Shadows of fear began to creep in. He had lost all respect I had.

In another attempt to get rid of him, I quickly crossed the road and turned around to see where the bloody hound was. I couldn’t see it but I wasn’t relieved. My instincts told me it was somewhere around. I scanned and found it standing right beside me breathing hard with its tongue out. That was it, I shall abandon all subtlety and let it know that it was uninvited. I contorted my face with anger and raised a hand showing it a sign that I am capable of violence. It winced for a moment but then started following me again with dogged determination. It was time to play the dirtiest trick. I planned to take advantage of its weakness, any dog’s weakness, tackling traffic. I saw a slew of oncoming vehicles, quickly crossed the road and ran hard trying to escape the line of sight. While doing so I turned and saw its longing looks. It behaved is if it was the victim. Its antics raised questions in my mind as to integrity of my actions and who the victim was. Running the sequence of events in my head which led to this situation helped me justify myself.

I kept running and from time to time looking behind. After I entered a dark lane I slowed down and confirmed that I finally lost contact. Relieved I continued walking. The thought that it still followed me kept playing in my head. Suddenly I found something creeping up from behind. I panicked. When I realised that it was only a bicycle and not the dog, I calmed down and took the last leg home. Even when I finally closed my gates I had doubts if the dog ever stopped following me. Did it become discreet now and turn to vengeance? Does it know where I live?

Good days

2008-02-20T22:15:00.002+05:30

Days turn out to be of different types. Some are good, some are bad and some are boring and some are like any other.

Days of lethargy and inactivity are days I despise the most because they torture me with boredom. These fill in the(or rather fail to fill in) void between other types of days. Boredom is my nemesis; it brings out the hiding monsters of self loathing and depression. I wage battles with these fire-breathing dragons every such day and hoping not to be scarred for life and praying for a victory to see the dawn of a good day.

Days like any other are slow poison to my active conscious. I often have to perform mundane activities which I have done before and don’t want to repeat. These meaningless actions are like rats, nibbling away my morale and high spirits; intoxicating me with slumber. The prolonged trysts with semi-consciousness numb my thought processes and induces fear. The abject poverty in joy and diversity in my actions is detrimental to my enthusiasm.

Bad days have several combinations; they come in all shapes, sizes and strengths. Some doses are mild and can be shrugged off, where as some are too strong to be resisted as they weigh down with misery. Various bad days shut down different avenues of progress and joy. The repeated setbacks force me into a cocoon of doing nothing in order to fail in nothing. Any day which is not a good day ends up being a bad day.

Unlike other days good days are not ambiguous. They are unitary in the happiness they bestow. Good days are when everything turns out to be as you wanted it and a day would be better if there are some surprises in store. For me any day is a good day if I have been totally engrossed in doing something or the other irrespective of what merit it holds. On a good day I have different things to do, interesting facts to learn, several people to meet, various topics to talk and write besides the delicious food to eat. A good day is delightful mixture of the aforementioned with a bag of surprises. Surprises like; doing with joy things I did not want to do, performing with zeal activities I have never tried; disclosing feelings I have never shared; rendering someone genuine help and above all doing something creative, for the joy of creation is matched by none. Joy and satisfaction are what make a good day and these good days are the most important ingredients of a good life.

Newer Testament

2008-01-02T01:06:00.000+05:30

This is the GOD speaking.

I have no beginning I have no end. I am my own creator and everything else’s. I am the creator of the universe and everything beyond it (which your human race can never comprehend. Give you a try? Huh please you still don’t know lots about your own planet). Those who challenge my authority shall be doomed to hell, the most horrific place in the universe where I carry out my wicked and naughty experiments. So listen up!

I descend upon you and speak your filthy language as I found it imperative to remind your insignificant race of the servitude owed to me. For a few centuries now my attention was diverted and your pathetic species has strayed off the path I set for you. I am your creator and I decide your face, fate and everything else. You owe your existence to me and you shall spend all of it, mind you every second, in prayer and praise (of me of course). Through a design flaw I made you sapient and to date regret my loss of concentration in that moment. What makes you think that you can think for yourselves and question my existence? I didn’t revoke your intelligence so that you could use it to find newer ways of worship, give me a million names and revere me on this tiny speck of dust you call planet earth. I didn’t do so to ensure that you shall build me idols, statues, temples, edifices and all. To use your so called creativity to give me newer appearances (to fashion myself in my spare time), write stories and sing songs about the evil I never fought, kindness I never knew, miracles I never performed and gifts I never gave.

You should spend every moment of the insignificant lives of yours in my memory or of those nice men who you call prophets and who claim to be my messengers, sons etc. They have been doing jolly good jobs of carrying forward my (so called) word and keeping discipline. You shall not succumb to those fine things in life which makes it beautiful. You shall hate and despise all those who try to make money, enjoy the worldly joys and cherish their lives. It is my curse upon you- To breed and multiply but you shall not talk of or enjoy the natural process which enables you to do so. You shall all be selfish and taint a person who is prospering as one and ruin him in all possible ways.

You have sinned. Your sin is that of being born (rather created by me) and you shall pay your sin debt by refraining from all pleasure and invoking some pain in your lives. Those who shall create pain in others lives too and remind them of their duty to me and bring them to shame for their pleasures shall get brownie points. The more lives you ruin including your own, the more I shall reward you. Those who indulge in the seven deadly sins and unlicensed violence (that is violence not in my name) will have your points knocked off. Life is a race after all, of who scores my good will and points. Those with a higher sum total will have a seat closer to mine in that fine assembly you created for the good ones among you with me presiding over called (Hmm.. now what is it that you guys call it… er.. yeah) Heaven. And those who have disobeyed me and hence have a negative score will rot in the aforementioned hell. (Hell is kinda cool though; you are invited to be hamsters in my weird experiments)

You shall only read my good books well penned down by those prophets or the books which praise my glory and emphasise my control over your petty lives. Every other piece of literature and art shall be deemed insignificant and those questioning me or my followers shall be called heretic. (My followers! you shall do all within your powers to destroy those heretics.) You are beginning to forget the golden words I have conveyed through them and are busy digging your heads through microscopes, telescopes and other stupid machines. Listen to me again and I shall not repeat; only erase you at the time of Judgement.

I have granted some people of your race a status of being superior compared to the others. It was tough deciding who to grant these rights to because there were lots of people praying to me and praising too. So I decided to give these awards in several categories predominantly the following.

The first and most important category is gender. This is my favourite category you see because there is an even split in the numbers. And I gave the power to the weaker sex which is physically stronger. This is so much fun as brawn prevails over brains and rationale and everything else. The male ego is my boon to mankind. (Yes mankind, hu’man’ity , businessman, etc not woman or person)The men shall oppress the women forever and make them do all their own work like household chores, bear offspring and provide entertainment. The woman shall be robbed of her glory and put to shame and torture mentally and physically too. (Women don’t blame me, I don’t know what sex is) and yeah don’t forget to undermine men who support the cause of woman and burn women who think freely calling them witches even though you say respect them more than anything else in every role.

The next field being race. You shall discriminate on the basis of skin colour (ha! I am genius, what a thing to make fun of others on a stupid thing like skin and you stupid creatures buy it) and treat those regarded as inferior as slaves and treat them however you want. You shall evict them from their own lands for your benefit and mistreat them when they come to yours (if they are already not there) seeking opportunity.

You shall give me several names and forms (increase the count every few hundred years) and divide yourselves into religions. Though you shall claim to have a secularist backdrop and religious tolerance, different religions shall have set of different practices and beliefs and preferably each set should offend the others. Though you shall fool yourselves to believing that religion gives you peace of mind, you shall be constantly be fighting amongst each other trying to prove more worthy and righteous word of God (that is me me and Me). I love religious battles you see, good source of entertainment and revenue generation in my name.

Groups of random people shall demarcate pieces of land as their own; create flags, songs and other ‘national’ things. You shall pride the land above everything else (other than me and religion of course) and call it motherland or fatherland and appeal to it only when the need arises not. The nations shall make friends with some and enemies with most. They shall always try raiding other nations and merge them into their own, fight over bits of land and exploit them for their material wealth. You shall fight wars, as long as possible with as many nations involved and create wide scale havoc and destruction. Under such circumstances my popularity will grow and prayers will come stronger from many more.

When you want to take a break from my worship, you may come up with philosophies and ideologies which shall hypnotise the masses and make them staunch supporters. All the ideologies shall be contradictory to each other and the followers shall fight to defend their own. You shall be condescending to the people who do ‘inferior’ work to yours and treat them with contempt and mistrust. (Refer to the latest customs and traditions booklet for order of importance of work). If in some position of power or authority you shall be corrupt and abuse your powers as per your whims and fancies, make money and humiliate those who you are supposed to serve and those who seek your help.

And most importantly, you shall not use reason at any point of time. You shall always listen to what your leaders and elders say and do them without any thought or aberration. You shall follow your traditions, beliefs and superstitions how much ever they cause you pain and inconvenience. You shall not be broad minded and empathetic to others. You shall fight within your own community if you are not busy at wars with others. You shall hate everyone on some pretext or the other.

What makes some of you think, that after you can discover a few principles and laws of nature (Nature is no god it’s just a piece of clockwork I created. It is it and not a she you fools) and begin to act so cold when with those who spend their time in my prayer and those persuading the remaining barbarians to acknowledge faith. As I already said I have given you brains to devote them to me and not to embark on progress in scientific, medical, philosophical, economical and political arenas. (Damn you people, you were a lot easier to control when all you did was hunt, eat, fight, fuck and sleep) I detest all those people who single mindedly focus on their work and things they love and consciously or unconsciously help in forward march of your race. You are not much superior to an ant or a bee. Their work is to just survive and your work is to survive and pray. All you need is food (like the ants) and faith (in me).

Faith is the greatest gift I have given your filthy race of sinners, because you will never understand, let alone know me for what I am. Any attempt to do so will drain the energy out of your grey and red cells and pop your eyes out if you think you can. Carry out my aforesaid ordinances with utmost respect and humiliation. All your actions shall be of unquestioning faith in me. Remind those who challenge you with reason and logic of Me and My Will. Just maintain your faith in me because you will find no better listener to your woes and apathy (No fellow being of yours can help you). Believe all those who say they carry my word and do as they say lest I shall plunge you into the sea of darkness and make this earth of yours new branch of hell. (Aah the ‘dark ‘middle ages were so glorious; I dint have to come down to take you people to task)

Remember November

2007-12-19T23:36:00.002+05:30

Writing has to be done habitually. A pause, when it creeps in grows like a plague. A long pregnant pause had creeped into my writing and it gave birth to an even more notorious one. I was teeming with ideas all the time and yet couldnt put them down due to pressure of exams and all. As Sean Connery says in Finding Forrester, "The first key to writing is... to write, not to think!" All those ideas circulating in my head are slowly fading away and i had to do something. I tried to pen down(punch down rather) what actually kept me from writing and lo! before i knew it i had crossed a couple of thousand words. Its feels so good to be punching down those keys when you are giving words to your thoughts. I could live doing that for ever and i wish i was.

So here it is. The curse breaker work of mine. Do click, download, read and comment. :)

Read here ---> November
Download ---> here

Awake or Asleep??

2007-09-21T01:55:00.000+05:30

Its nearly two in the morning. Another day is nearing its end and I lay here not really awake but nowhere sleepy. For quite a while now I have felt no difference between day and night save the lights in the sky. I hear distant sounds of birds chirping. Strange! I last heard them at a very early hour in the morning when I was about to call it a day and the world around me supposedly about to wake. It seems like they too have lost the sense of place and time.

These days whenever my minds needs a rest the body slips into a comfortable stance and I am napping away in a jiffy, even if sometimes standing up is the only comfortable position I can be in. I fall asleep at any convenient place and at random times. Elders say it is a boon to be able to fall asleep with ease. But I cant really tell if it is a virtue or vice. People around me find it strange and disconcerting. I dont care but am wary sometimes as these naps may be disorienting sometimes. But why do I fall asleep? Because I have really nothing to do?? I would rather say nothing really interesting to and it has become like a defense mechanism to stop me from worrying about it.

Am I really resting at 4 or 5 in the morning when the lights are off and I am in my bed consciously asleep? I dream a lot and most of them are so realistic that some mornings I wake up and have to spend a few minutes to separate the truth from my dreams. They are so strongly grounded in facts and yet take fantastic twists and turns raising strong doubts about the mind resting part.

Reflecting on the times I am not asleep, I cant say I am really awake either. The usual things which keep me busy are monotonous and mostly done half awake. There is this ether of lethargy, characteristic to sleep enveloping me. It must be because of the soporific effect of the darned weather, cloudy all the time, it is dampening my spirits. I have hated this from as long as I can remember. Nothing is more cheerful to me than the warmth and brightness of sunshine. Alas it is a rare commodity thesedays.

I feel so numb most of the time. The only times I really am active and realize my complete wakefulness is due burst of hormones during an (sporadic) exciting activity of the limb or the brain. My senses are acute and I feel like I have just got a new lease of life as I buoy up to the surface and air gushes into my lungs. These novel experiences mental or physical keep me awake. Truly awake.

Idealism? Hmmm...

2007-08-12T01:00:00.000+05:30

Idealism is defined as “utopianism”, the constant quest for that perfect world with a certain set of beliefs and ideals. Idealism is a dream. The dream of doing something perfect and bringing something genuinely good in to the world. It is most importantly sticking to a set of beliefs and ideals come what may; through good times and bad and through prosperity and hardships. It is living life to live the dream.

It is only the strong that can stand up to their ideals. The demands of such virtues are high; focus determination and strength. The youth are the strongest segment of population because we have so few worries and fears thus fewer weaknesses. No fear of their future, no fear of failure and no worries of food, family and work. That is how the dreamers and doers among our ancestors lived. We are afraid to live like that. We prefer a soft quilt to strong stand. We accept what comes our way and flip sides when convenient. We tread on our own ideals when in pain and change our beliefs to comfort ourselves. As time progresses our attitudes are becoming increasingly defeatist.

It is in the youth, we have an impressionable mind with power to reason. Past it we lose the impressionability and before it we lack reason. What we see, hear and read impact the way we think and hence the way we live. Our generation has begun to denounce the habit of reading books (easily the ultimate trove for knowledge, perspective and thus wisdom), forgotten the beauty and sophistication of quality, accepted the mob tendency of being mediocre and worst of all lost the fervour to dream and accomplish something. The innocence is lost by the pragmatic approach to life. Most of us are going to end up there anyway but why start doing it now.

Mankind always contrives to make the world better than it always was. Our power to dream is pivotal in this. It is the youth alone who can dare to dream. The worst thing that we are plagued with right now is not being able to dream big. Even if we do, the spirit of competition is seldom seen. All I can see is insecurity over someone else's progress. We see dreaming as a crime. The more vagrant you are, the more hip you seem. This is the disillusioned perception of the majority of our youth these days. What are we at this age if we are not dreamers?

Poets and writers from times immemorial have sung praise about the joys and misgivings of youthfulness and shunned the miseries of the elderly. Complaints about "youth these days" are as old as civilization itself. But most civilised societies tolerated youth and their meddling with beliefs and ideals. We have always known that it is in this period of callousness with the power to dream that the most astonishing of works are produced. Mozart, Shakespeare, Newton, Cauchy, Machiavelli and Rembrandt are all testament to this. But if those poets would see us now and witness our plight, would they do the same?

We are more focused on a stable life than a wonderful one. What we have failed to realize is the power of dream, thought and action; the enhancement of our own lives that comes with the little impact of our work on the world we live in.

The Cow

2007-08-03T21:43:00.000+05:30

This is one of those things which I have written about a long existing latent idea. It is such a relief when you have finally paid thought to these minor post-its lying in some nook and corner in your head.

Aavu Vyaasam. Translated from telugu is the ‘Cow essay’. There is this story behind this idiom, parents and elders tell us in traditionally telugu households. A small kid is asked by his teacher to speak about a few topics. But he has learnt only one essay, that of the cow. So each time he is asked to talk something he slowly leads his speech to something related to cow and then conveniently talks about the cow. Something like when asked about “Fish” he would say, “Fish are in swimming in the pond. On the bank stands a cow. It is white in colour and has 4 legs.. It eats grass …..”. Similarly when asked about the Village he would say; “A Village has many houses. People live in these houses. They have cows. Cows are white in colour ….”.

Well, whats interesting about this seemingly trivial story is its applicability to me and almost everyone else. Each one has got an ‘aavu vyaasam’ of his own. Sometimes we are gripped with some idea, a terrible infatuation on something or someone. Maybe some untenable situation arises or gross injustice is done and we are left voiceless. Whatever the possessed thought may be it props up in the conversations having the faintest of connections. We tend to vent our frustration, express our dire need, beg for help and all other such tendencies creep in. We subconsciously steer conversations to fulfill our needs, be it egoistical or materialistic.

My dad always comes around to the point of how big a criminal I am not for not utilizing the opportunities present, for not having enough grip on my subject and my whiling away time.
My grandmother always talks about not having a own house inspite of having all other comforts.
A teacher incessantly complains of the decadence among the students of my class.
A friend is going on and on of how good (yikes! make that great else i am dead) her boyfriend is.
While another cant stop lamenting of how miserable life is.
A classmate cant stop on of how others have been unfaithful to him, always "gossip"ped about him and bad mouthed him behind his back
Another leads conversations to some lame telugu movie and its success.

As for me I have lots of Aavu vyasams. Er… This post is already too long.

Growing darkness, Taking dawn?

2007-06-28T20:18:00.000+05:30

Two sides of a coin for me this week have been Metallica's Fade to Black and Frank Capra's Its a Wonderful Life. Be it James Hetfield's passionate vocals or James Stewart's enchanting acting! Kirk Hammett's lead and rhythm or Frank Capra's master story telling, I just cant get over both of them. Both excellent pieces of art and soulful to the very core! They deal with two opposite takes on life and yet somehow, so close and interwoven.

Life it seems will fade away
Drifting further everyday
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters.. no one else..
So starts Fade to Black after the stirring and pensive guitar. Touching a deep chord within me is the angst of a guy who sings about the hell he is in; with no visible solution to his problems. He is fading into the darkness of death. The ensuing guitar play gives you a rush as he is about to say goodbye and you can do nothing about it.

In Its a Wonderful Life, George Bailey played by the great James Stewart (Rear Window, Vertigo) is a high spirited youth who takes all the cruel blows of life on his dreams. He doesnt understand the significance of his life and is ready to give up. The guardian angel shows him (and us of course) how wonderful this life can be. He realizes his folly and gets back to his kith and kin and what happens next is .... i say is a scene to be written down in gold in the annals of movie history. You just cant stop loving life if you have seen it the way i did. It pulls my heartstrings now and again.

I am sure if George Bailey had heard fade to black when he was down and had given up, he would have know it was written for him. May be it is just past such situations when we really understand the beauty of life. All we have to do is keep our heads or have someone to help us hold on till the dark cloud passes. Nothing is more joyful than living, regardless of however painful life is!

Only Me!

2007-06-21T22:07:00.000+05:30

I enjoy being in a group and having lots of fun roaming around with friends. I love scrambling for tickets when we have just decided what movie we are going to watch and where. I love lazing around with friends, whiling away time at a quiet place with some interesting conversation. I think I am a fairly social person. It doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy doing things alone. I love spending time with myself and am happy to say that.

I cant understand the constant craving for company for everything one does in life. When we used to do it as children so happily why cant we do it now. If you are spotted alone at a mall or an eatery, they act surprised and give you those weird looks. If you are spotted at a cinema, take my word you are a goner. You are considered as a freak if you hang out alone. Whereas deep down the line everybody has his own education, career and whims to tend to and everyone leads separate lives. Then why the false garb of not being able to live without the umbilical cord. You haven’t really learned to live if u haven’t learned to live alone.

Whatever the reason maybe, moving around on your own can be so much fun. I enjoy it as much as I enjoy good company, because I can give myself good company. It is certainly much better than hanging out with those people unsure of what to do and whose conversation is dull. It is the people who feel insecure when alone who cant roam single. Else it must be the immense social pressure against doing it. Some insecure fellow long long ago must have started it and lo! It has caught on as blight.

I wouldn’t deny the fun there is in hanging out with friends or family, but travelling alone has so many advantages. I can go wherever I want, no polls needed. I can linger around admiring a cool watch however long I want, no one pushing me around. I can go to whichever movie I want, no more asking friends when they are free. I can basically do everything I want to. Given a chance I would travel the world carrying a backpack (a huge one of course) and would prefer doing it alone!

My Shuttle and a Blackhole

2007-06-15T21:43:00.000+05:30

What do you do when you feel you are going crazy, you cant hold a stable thought, you cant focus on a single act, you feel restless and you feel insecure. You are freaking out and you don’t know what to do. But what if I were in a similar state and knew why?

Sometimes days like this at home could be hell. I don’t know if an idle mind is a devil’s workshop but surely it is one black hole of happiness for me. Any prolonged period of inactivity sucks the gaiety in me and I turn into this twisted, perplexed troll having random thoughts, swaying dangerously and moving aimlessly. I feel, a cure to this could be talking to someone. But in the process I don’t know what I might end up saying, making totally unnecessary statements sometimes bizarre. And consequences to such things could be alarming so that is striked out. Another cure might be roaming around, but the whole point of it is nullified by the fact; if the roaming around is aimless, it would actually be a more mobile form of vagueness and insanity I already harbour. I think I can cure this by taking up some mind numbing activity like watching a movie or tv series, which in turn makes this wound of not being consummate larger by portraying things I don’t have but wish to, like adventure and a girl to love. By this time I have gone so deep into the pit that anything which could assuage this situation becomes impotent. I end up sleeping off those days in gloom and heartburn hoping to wake up for a good day. This happens once in a while and each time the insanity is carried over to the next bout.

But not today! Not now! I shall fight this off by doing what I like the most.

Music my Psychedelic

2007-03-20T23:48:00.000+05:30

There isn’t anyone who can be unmoved by the power of music. It is inherent in the universe and our nature. Music is an art, a treat for the ears. It has an immense power of changing our moods and connecting to our psyche.

Living in movie (musicals) crazy country you cant be untouched by the power of music. As everyone else my initiation into music was through the movies and captivator in chief was AR Rehman right from the time Roja happened. The big jump into the world of music I say did occur due to peer pressure and MTV. The bigger picture of world music dawned. As I entered into my teens the beauty of language became clearer and the power it wielded with harmonized sounds took me over. I was hooked onto music and my gradual ascension from Indian music to the World music too place through doors of what now seems a trivial genre called pop. The guys from Backstreet Boys, Westlife and Boyzone seemed the coolest. Ricky Martin was a demi-god. Celine Dion and Shakira were fantasized. Music was the best means to have a good time. I would spend hours at stretch listening to music. My parents were worried and partly surprised at the new turn I took.

Later Linkin Park happened. This Rap Rock band along with older acts like Sting and Bryan Adams brought a newer dimension to what my perception of music was. It now became a passion. Their songwriting captivated me and as this happened at the time I began writing poems myself. I fell in love with rock. The guitar strings, the drum beats and in some piano notes tantalized me. I really wanted to play a guitar and even more badly, a violin. That instrument is heart rending. Well, that did not materialize but my love for music was stronger than ever before. I was there listening to music as long as I could; getting my hands on every famous artiste, trying out every genre. Music was an expression of life. I now had a song for every situation and every mood. My life’s instances had parallels in songs and sometimes I wrote songs for them. They depressed me, rejoiced me, entertained me and recharged me. Music was like the oxygen for my soul. As my collection expanded so did my understanding of the art itself. Each genre had a general expression, a typical context of songs. Each gave an insight into lives of people of the geographical area which it came from. But then there were the universally applicable ones too. Music like books and movies taught me new things and provided me with a better sense of understanding of the world, a lyrical and musical form to lots of thoughts, a new perspective to various things and an insight into thoughts of people. Songs written and music made by various people are a reflection of them.

At the peak when I was doing an average of 10 hours a day. Music was an addiction like drugs. I always wanted more and everything else was shut out when I was deeply immersed. I needed a new shot often. Music played non stop. Bands like Coldplay, U2, Pink Floyd, Iron Maiden and Radiohead among many others performed for me every day in their liveliest spirit. And suddenly music tipped over and paved way for movies. I still listened to music and it still had the same grip but addiction was a passé. The bandwidth narrowed and I was involuntarily restrained to a limited number of acts. Coldplay and Radiohead made thicker inroads into me as I delved deeper into them. At around the same time I confirmed my theory of musical dynamism and I knew that this was it. I had found my type of music. My passion narrowed down and everything else became entertainment.

Theory of musical dynamism was a random idea stemmed by observation of musical growth among me and friends. We all started similarly and separately from the filmi music and Indian pop then slowly moved onto International pop. Everyone was crazy about Ricky Martin after the ‘98 World cup. The boy bands and the divas attracted giving more in their songs. We were then listening to soft rock acts like Sting and Bryan Adams before Linkin Park came around and vented our inner feelings and teenage frustrations. Soon the classic rock acts like Led Zeppelin, Iron Maiden and the psychedelic ones like Pink Floyd and The Doors mesmerized us. Some my friends moved on to metal and into more specific sub genres of metal. But Metal always bounced off my head. For different people the journey ends differently. The journey for me ended at alternative bands like Radiohead, Nine Inch Nails and most importantly piano driven rock like Coldplay and Keane.

My dream of making music might never come true but I keep myself happy with listening to it, discussing it with my friends and writing some songs. Music is special. It means different things to different people. For me it is the never failing tranquilizer and stimulant when required. It is an indispensable and integral part of my life.

p.s: I guess i was wrong.. the journey never ends, may be some halts are too long.. you just keep on moving and growing along with music

Happy is what happy get

2007-03-19T01:33:00.000+05:30

We are all unhappy. Yes we are!! In varying degrees i agree, but certainly we are. We all want to be happy and why shouldn’t we be. Somehow that keeps us going, the pursuit of happiness. We hardly acknowledge it and worse; not make a conscious effort to work for it. The whole point of living is to be happy and have a good time and at the end of the day kick the bucket satisfied.

But somehow, inexplicably we cant be happy being happy all the time with no worries. Well we aren’t really happy either. Just those certain things (which trouble us) have been swept under the carpet. We have been programmed to worry, to live the struggle, and untangle the mess. However most of us are really wary of untangling it all. Making life simple is not an easy task but it would be tougher on you if you did. As then you would know all answers and be devastated for not yet being able to solve them. And why cant we solve them? There is always a missing piece, an invisible cog we are unable to find, that when found would unlock bliss. But we are a complacent crowd. We are too lazy to take a step and find the piece. We tend to resign to our fates near the difficult end as easily as we put up a fight when we are pushed to the wall. And we complain a lot when we are somewhere in between.

Happy is what happy get. We can always start a day being happy and go through our daily routine and keep doing what we want to. But we are forced to do something else and call it duty. Our actions determine our feelings and emotions. To have a choice to what we should feel happy or sad, weak or strong etc, we better choose our actions ourselves for the good or for the bad. At the end of the day we all know deep down inside however vehemently we try to deny it no one really knows us like we ourselves do.

Why did He do it?

2007-01-25T22:47:00.000+05:30

I have always followed tennis in print and once in a while watched a few highlights. In recent times never have I followed a tournament like the ongoing Australian Open. I must say I am enjoying it thoroughly.

I had read about Him a lot; quite a lot. I knew all about Him before I actually watched him play a complete match. With the way the sports journalists began to describe Him I thought He was Superman. I pictured Him returning every serve, winning every point, game, set, match and hence tournament. The time had finally come to see him perform. I told myself it wouldn’t be practical to expect all that I had imagined. Though a Superman, He was afterall a man.

When I did watch Roger Federer was playing in the Quarterfinals against Tommy Robredo. He won in straight sets. But He was said to be out of sorts. I wondered why? They said He had committed more unforced errors in that match than in the previous week. What? The no. of unforced errors He seemed to make was less than the average by a winner of a match. He was quite unhappy with that performance and the commentators mentioned that He missed his ‘usual overdrive’ gear that day. I wondered what that was.

Today, I saw it and am still finding it hard to believe what I saw. He thrashed(cant find a more appropriate yet decent word) the 6th seed Andy Roddick in straight sets winning the 13 of the last 17 games. It wasn’t Roddick’s fault. The way he played he could have beaten any other player on tour(save Nadal I guess). But Federer is not any other player. He converted winners of Roddick into his own. Most of His winners were within the six inches of the line. My head swirled seeing the way He played. This wasn’t the Perfectionist’s clinical annihilation of opponent. This wasn’t a champions revenge for a defeat in his first tournament of the year and neither was it a world no.1’s breezing past a lowly ranked opponent. It was … it was …out of this world.

I wonder now, if He is human and not from Krypton? Even all His challenges(of line decisions) turned out to right. As Vijay Amritraj said Federer must have apologized to Roddick for treating him like that. Roddick has been improving and is better than ever before and we saw that in the previous matches this year. Yet this happens. I cant imagine how Roddick must be feeling right now having lost 13 out of the last 14 times they played.

Humans may have sometimes have performed as well but hardly anyone’s head remained in the place. From where does this man get his modesty? Not that I am a big fan of modesty but how can a human stay calm after performing like that? Muhammed Ali called himself the greatest, Schumi jumped 5 storeys high, the Australians howled with glee and many others similarly but all that u get from this man is unreal. Seriously I think we have to put up the Interpol or CIA to dig up his real roots. Thank goodness he expressed that he was surprised and called it a highlight of his career. Maybe this was just another trick he pulled acting like a homo-sapien.

P.S: If u think all this was exaggeration, read what the great Nirmal Shekhar had to say: Hindu Sports Page 27/01

Believe

2006-11-05T19:52:00.000+05:30

For those who believe, no explanation is necessary; for those who don’t believe, no explanation is possible.

We are ready to go to war to defend something we believe in. But is what we believe in is right? Is it truly our own conviction or something we are programmed into?

The worst part is the majority of human race has forgotten reason. We fail to evaluate most of the things in life. Some we do but not all. We believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. We believe in anything simply because it is found written in our religious books, is telecasted on TV or appears in the newspapers. We believe in anything merely on the authority of our teachers and elders. We believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. It is after observation and analysis, when we find that anything agrees with reason and is worth practising, we should truly believe and live up to it.

In most cases people don't believe things because they don't want to believe, especially about a matter in which they are emotionally involved. It is a frightening disposition that something they believed in dint turn out to be a fact after all. We tend to stick to the more pleasant lie than the truth for all the energy and emotion spent on a belief. Our lives are shaped by what values and deeds we believe in because of every thought and action is a result of these. But how have these beliefs sprung up. They are a result of ideas and thoughts of our own or others. These ideas are those which show us the way for a better life and brighter future.

War

2006-11-01T17:17:00.000+05:30

Revolutions brought progress; wars have brought in change, maybe good or for bad. If it weren’t for wars and for the rulers’ desire to conquer the world we wouldn’t have been such an intelligent and cosmopolitan race. The intermingling of races happened due to force, which brought in opportunities. The world was first, discovered completely and then shrank due to imperialism. Human race is now an amalgam of different races, faiths, cultures, traditions, fears and superstitions. Shouldn’t we thank the concept of war to provide us an excuse to foray into newer fields and investment into research? Right from their intelligent art of war of Sun Tzu, the discipline and the catapults of ancient warfare through the industrial revolution they generated to the modern luxuries of internet, GPS etc were result of wars and military.

Wars aren’t the bane of mankind. They have been critical for human achievement. I acknowledge that wars have a huge ugly face and several wars were totally unwarranted for and inhuman, but calling war itself inhuman is ridiculous. Wars and our accomplishments in them are something we should be proud of because it is something we give in our best. War has this beauty of life (though it feeds on it), rules laid but not necessary followed. Though unfair you have no excuse, no turning back; you have to take it as it comes, however it does. There is no compromise when we go to war. It is a single minded effort for which the common man of the nation is ready to take pains and bear the burden. He does so because he believes with all his heart in something. A nation against another, a community against it repressors, a cult against its rivals, a man against the society goes to war because of his faith in a supreme ideal worth fighting and dying for. This above all others is a human trait. War is a result of tremendous love of man for his faith and beliefs and more importantly his willingness to stand up for it.

Do u dare believe in something which means more than anything else to u?
Would u go to war defending them??

20 and me

2006-10-23T21:24:00.000+05:30

This is one of the two days in year where I am not shouted at for receiving calls after midnight. This is MY DAY. Guaranteed happy day every year. Friends and relatives call from all over to wish me. I, like everyone else on their birthdays, get royal treatment, unusual amount of love and affection. It is seen by everyone that I aint unhappy in the remotest way. People overlook my misdemeanour and bear even the stupidest activities. Why would I do that anyway? I get gifts, new clothes, and lots of other goodies. But what tops it all is the quality time I spend with family and friends. Birthdays are an inescapable treat. This one time I want to escape.

I am celebrating my 20^th birthday today. But this is one birthday, (I guess the first) I really did not want to come. I hardly can imagine the non anticipation of birthday I had been through all this month. I wanted to give it a miss and have been wondering how I could skip a day on the Gregorian calendar.

I don’t want to be a 20’s guy. It is painstakingly difficult to digest the fact that around one third (or may be one fourth) of your life is over. Maybe I should feel happy and proud over the fact that I am no longer in the children bracket of any kind and everyone sees me as an adult. Well, one says that when he/she turns 16. 17, 18 or 19 makes no difference. 20 does!

The glorious teens have been the very base of my existence till now considering that all your finest and strong memories have been in those times. Now to reflect on the fact that the phase has gone is depressing. Seeing a 2 in the tens digit place of my age is frightening. It somehow signifies now that I have grown old or rather come of age.

When I first realized this a few months ago, I assessed what was going on in life. The passing turmoil then brought in change and induced zeal. I understood the essence of 20 and the responsibilities and duties that come attached with it. Results now matter to me as they never did before. Maybe because I finished first seldom and now the joy of achievement eludes me. The ecstasy of success was something I was eager for then (and still am). I had made up a list of things I had to do before I turned 20. And the gloom descended now due to the incompletion of the task list. I am not ready yet and it is precisely the reason I am writing this. I am gonna delay it for an year. Why the celebration without success? I will leap from 19 to 21 next year. For once I shall keep the fact of 20 aside. I shall be 19 for another year and make the most of it!!

Memory

2006-10-12T19:59:00.000+05:30

What was the earliest thing u remember in your life?
Hmmm..

Must be the family trip to Srisailam when I was three. Well, on thinking over it again I find that what I remember is a memory. This was the memory I had recollected when I was asked the same questions several years ago. But I fail to recollect the exact scenario. Only a snapshot remains. What I have is a memory of a memory.

Memories like the texture of sand, the lyrics and tune of your favourite song, the sound of knocking on the door are can be taken for granted. We know them too well. Memories are fragile objects; some of them are too risky to be trusted for a later use unless you have them noted down unbiased. Some memories do linger a long time. They must have created some intense emotion like love, hatred, joy, misery etc. I find a common man to retain memories of negative emotions like humiliation, misery etc much more efficiently than the positive ones. Maybe it has to do with our psyche like most other things we associate with.

Memories are formed by our senses and thus are invariably affected by our perceptions and impressions of or on various objects and persons. We tend to attach these existing feelings while creating new memories. This is one important reason why it is hard to form new opinions on people we already know. It is like past memories affect the newer ones. And every memory has strong vibes of feeling attached to it. We emphasise more on what we feel than what we see. Again we hardly look at everything we see.

Facts are more relevant than memories. A fact doesn’t change after a period of time or from person to person. There were ten chocolate chip biscuits in the Hide and Seek pack. Period. Where as memory can change the shape of a room, it can change the color of a car, height and build of a person. Memories can be distorted. Sometimes we don't want the truth. We make up our own truth. We tend to fill in the blanks in the memories not complete with what we think ought to be there. What makes them even more dangerous is that memories can be manufactured. This happens when our thoughts in several forms like dreams, criticisms, evaluations etc are converted into memory by our mind or even by someone ‘reminding’ you of something which dint exist or atleast hadn’t happened the way they paint it to be.

Memories are just an interpretation, they're not a record, and they're irrelevant if you have the facts. Facts are the ones we have to work our judgements and thinking on. Cos the never ending quest for humanity is the tenacity of being right.

Now what was the question again.. What was the earliest thing u remember in your life?

Hmmmm……………………

p.s: This is a Memento to Christopher Nolan

Strangers in Empty Space

2006-08-07T17:05:00.001+05:30

Some people just move out of our lives without notice. They just fade away. Others move away leaving indelible marks of various emotions.

Those who we once regarded as closest seem no more that way. Sometimes that hurts, some times it doesnt matter but we always wonder why.

How is that we are strangers now inspite of having the thickest of friendships. How is that there is nothing to talk now, while days together werent enough then?

There are instances where we mistake a person for what he is. Give him more worth than he deserves. Well mistakes happen and we have to move on. The same with the others too.

Finally the only thing that matters in life is me. Something not worth me need not bother me.

We Might As Well be Strangers
by Keane
(edited lyrics..click to get the song)

I don't know your face no more,
Or feel the touch that I adore,
I don't know your face no more,
It's just a place I'm looking for,

We might as well be strangers in another town,
We might as well be living in a different world,
We might as well,
We might as well,
We might as well,

I don't know your thoughts these days,
We're strangers in an empty space,
I don't understand your heart,
It's easier to be apart,

Re'boot'

2006-06-14T02:09:00.000+05:30

"Six of us. How will we sit in the car. Wont it be cramped? ", says my sister.
"Why dont I sit in the boot?", I say as I open it and put a travelling bag.
"Abba! No!"
"Seriously I wanna do it. Octavia's boot is large. I think I will be comfortable."
"Annu! You wont have air supply you will choke.."
"Let him. It is ok. Nothing will happen", says dad.
"Let us see..Close the door once ....Its ok in here." Actually I was gulping for air.
"Open the door. Close it slowly and partially leaving the light on." Says dad.
"Okie."
"Just call away when you arent comfortable.." says mom.
"Ya sure.. I will shout hoarse".
They sit in the car... "Can you hear us?"
"Yaa. Can you?"
"Yes. Thats good."

The car rolls over. It is hot in here. It feels like my room in mid summer with all windows closed.
We move on.. The hardness of breath has now passed and am messaging a friend.
Then I ponder and look around and try using the travelling bag as a pillow. Its nice.

"Annu, how is the suspension. How is the ride?"
" Hmmm it feels like a Santro's backseat ride.."

"Are you getting any air from the AC?" asks dad.
"It is like the AC in a Maruti 800...No AC vent in here "
"I know. If you like it there, why dont we get one fixed and you can sit there always."
Giggles all around.

Hmm I am bored.. I notice the amplifier above my head. Good."Dad!", I shout out. "Switch on the Radio , I want Radio Mirchi."
"Sure."
Music plays on.. some stupid song is playing.. this is not good.
"I want Rainbow."
"Ok."

grab a brush and put a lil make up
u wanted to... WOW chopsuey...
I don't think you trust
"People this is music. I am loving it.."
in your eyes forsaken me
In your thoughts forsaken me
In your heart forsaken, me
I sing along aloud...
In, my, self righteous suicide
I, cry, when angels deserve to die, DIE
This is cool! Listening to rock in the trunk.
Then they play a stupid remix version of In the End... and I explore the place around me. I shift to a newer and more relaxed position.

A break now. 4th day ka play shuru nahi hua, WI hai something for 1 ..oho.. but why has the car stopped?
"Are we there yet?? "
India is again faced by bad luck varun dev rok diya khel ko, bharat ko pehle match bhi close main choot gaya.. ya ya
"No dad's wearing seatbelt police ahead" my sister tells me.
"We are taking a diversion"
Back to Radio mirchi.. A record of sorts radio playing rock in the car for this long!! Maybe because I was in the trunk.
"Take your own time I say.."

A feeling of large amount of roll signify the large number of sharp turns just near my house.
Well here we are.. I hear the sound of the hand brake..
"How was it ??"
"Good enough should try for a longer distance next time."

Enchanted

2006-06-12T01:17:00.000+05:30

The enigmatic effervescence of the eternal effluence in the elevated landforms engulfed me in the ecstacy of an ensemble of emotions i had enjoyed at the endeavour entertained. Enroute was evident, the elaborate experiment of mother Nature eloquent as ever in emanating elegance. I was never entangled in an expectation let alone an experience of such enormity and encountering an energizer of mellowed spirits.

Recollecting the wonderful memory, something that will be ingrained in my memory for ever. The ecstacy of water falling on me from a few hundred feet from cliff with a breadth of a few yards is beyond accurate description. It was a heavenly feeling; a mixture of awe, pleasure, joy and more. Standing there on a ledge of the hill under falling water amidst a serene forest with minimal human interference(in form of modifications and safety measures) preserving the natural tranquility i experienced something so magnificiently fantastic to my ordinary senses of perception. The personal rainbows in perfect circle of vision under water in the smiling sun added to the experience!

May be i was overwhelmed due to the reason that i expected nothing more than an ordinary waterfall. But are waterfalls ever ordinary?? Isnt nature, the biggest surpriser of all? I am a novice to such landforms. From the upper ledge I was reminded of the peaks of the island where King Kong lived in the movie of the same name. The walk up the hills on a mildly cut path by the valley into which water flowed was fun with bright conversation and interesting sounds from an almost desolate forest. The base of the waterfall had many pools due to the water flowing in from several crevices. The rocks to climb and multiple staged accessible water flow was marvellous. I look forward to many more such experiences.

p.s: That was the waterfalls in Talakona forest, located 60km away from the temple town Tirupati. The forest has been regularly featured on celluloid by tollywood for decades.

I DREAM therefore I AM

2006-05-30T12:28:00.001+05:30

I was 8 when i made up my mind that i would be an Astronaut one day. At 10 i wanted to become a Cricketer, at 12 a Scientist and at 14 i wanted to be a Racing Driver. At 16 i woke up.

I knew i wouldnt become any of those. My priorites changed along with my likes and dislikes. I spent my time pondering over how drab my life is, so monotonous and so commonplace. I find an answer after months of unfocussed thought that the the fault lies within me! I never used my time the right way. I was too lazy to try and make things happen.

Paul Coelho says in The Alchemist and i believe :

What's the world's greatest lie? It's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate.

We need to recognize what we want, what we are here for. We all live for a purpose; if we dont, we need to find one. We always know what we want to achieve in life, even if we dont know how.

one doesnt deserve to live if he hasnt found anything to die for...

But what is it that one thing in life that i cherish doing the most? What is it that i shall indulge in and forget the rest of the world? People those who have had success, those who have reached the upper echelons of their professions believed in themselves and loved what they did. Here is what Ayrton Senna said, "Racing is everything for me, it is the challenge of my life, it is a profession and a vocation, a hobby and at the same time a virus that has no cure. I have lost interest in everything else, my soul and my body belong to racing."

To reach such a level of commitment and dedication we need to know ourselves in depth and discover that one thing.

When you want something with all your heart, that's when you are closest to the Soul of the World. It's always a positive force.

After we need to focus and set ourselves onto the path, paying no heed to the deterrents, obstacles and there seems to be endless joy in travelling that path we seek.

And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.

Dreams are the fuel to humanity's quest of excellence and the hope of finding Utopia. We strive always to make things better, because we dream of a world more heavenly, life more beautiful. Dreams give me the impetus to find the one thing and with all my heart pursue it. The result is of little consequence compared to the joy of working for it. It is just a thing waiting to happen based on what we do.

People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don't deserve them, or that they'll be unable to achieve them.

I still want to be an Astronaut or a Race driver but i know they are far fetched and will remain dreams. This fact though i write now refuses to be acknowledged by my heart or mind. They say life is strange, u never know what turn it takes when. The hope lives on and i refuse to accept things otherwise. I still have other dreams, all of which i can fulfill by proper planning and perspiration.

At 18 I wanted to make my own music. At 19..... I still Dream on.

p.s: I never thought Coelho would figure this much in this post but somehow he makes fantastic sense.

The Paper Story

2006-05-25T00:29:00.001+05:30

Tomorrow may be hell, but today was a good writing day, and on the good writing days nothing else matters.

Writing for me is something which makes things absolute, There is a conformity and finality for published material. People find it hard to question its authenticity, validity or bias. Writing gives me joy because it makes me think and be creative. I write on paper. Paper shares my joy and records them preventing loss like that in the unreliable vales of memory. It assuages pain by listening to my woes. It bears my brunt when i am angry. It is infinitely patient and puts up with my tantrums. Paper serves me as the best companion and we communicate throught the language of writing!! As usual like in most friendships of mine it is the silent one and i am the blabbering nut. Paper is my best friend.

Paper , Paper in my hand
Who is the brightest among all?

But paper is more than that. It gives me sense of importance as i imprint my opinion on it. The paper talks what i think. It is my biggest follower with utmost ignorance. I dont have to face the "half knowledge is dangerous" scenario as i do with real people. It listens patiently to my arguments completely without interrupting. Paper has got more heart and sense too. It helps me channel my thoughts, weigh one matter over the another. It tells me if i make any sense or am talking gibberish because any new thought that is still in my mind confusingly seems to be perfectly rational and deplorably stupid all at the same time. It gives me confidence by showing that i have done something. It gives me a voice to showcase my point of view. It shows me my mistakes when i revisit it and ask it to. It shows me my inadequacies and encourages me to overcome them. It remembers all i said though now i forget, it reminds me of what i did, what i wanted to be and will continue to do so in the future as long as we are companions. Companions we will be for life!

The Great Affair

2006-05-22T00:38:00.000+05:30

"Are you crazy? U are going on 140", shouts dad. Hmmm when did i get there??
"Yikes, Sorry I dint realize", i reply.

What is it about driving that it makes people like me crazy? It is supposed to be the handling of a self powered machine on wheels used for locomotion. Seems so dull to be defined but what explains the fiery outbursts of joy, wonder, angst while driving. The passion for control of the wheels doesn't discriminate. The power that wrests in your hands over a machine (a beauty in its own sense and reams can be written about it) gives us a feeling of superiority.

My first tryst with driving was when i was asked to drive a kinetic by my uncle. i was in sixth (and by then was pretty good at cycling) I started off (on his insistence) in one of the busiest junctions of the city. However to my utter surprise i had no problems. It was just like bicycling, just didnt have to pedal. Suddenly i felt as if i had got wings. I refused to let him drive again when i was along. The thirst for speed, the thrill of power came upon me. It was bliss like nothing else.

The feeling still persists, the thirst never dies, the joy never fades. That is driving , one of the most delightful activities in life, seldom bored however tiring or painful it turns out to be. Like any other skill, competition brings out the best moments and experiences in driving.
Driving is a mutual communication between man and machine. Somewhat like horse riding. Love your horse, treat it well, it obeys your will. The same goes with cars and bikes. You tell it what to do, it tells you how much it can. The better you drive, the better it performs. The better it performs you will love driving more.

The exhilaration of stepping on the gas after having shifted to the top gear on high revs is enormous. You feel as if you are God. Everything under your control, omnipotency creeps in. I pierce through the wind like a bullet. No one can stop me. But alas, someone always does, always!

I rephrase RL Stevenson and say "I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel's sake. The great affair is to drive."

Elaborate Dream??

2006-05-21T11:28:00.000+05:30

Now dont accuse me for plagiarism! This song belongs to the NINE INCH NAILS. They are quite different with their industrial sounds and striking lyrics. This is their song-- Right where it belongs. Dunno how many times i have listened to it on the trot but it has pulled some chords!

It pushes me into thoughts on the lines of the Matrix philosophy and much more. It makes me think of the confidence i have on the safety of the life i have built. How far am i right? How far am i happy, certain of things around?? Hmmm I dunno!!

Well written songs with captivating music have this inexplicable power of invoking thoughts however common or bizarre!!At the same time they are a creative product of emotions! Cant imagine Humanity without music!

Finally here is the song that made me write all this

See the animal in his cage that you built,
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye,
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built,
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart,
And it's all... right where it belongs

What if everything around you,
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Would you find yourself... find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head?
Just creations of your own
Your devils and your gods all the living and the dead
And you're really all alone
You can live in this illusion,
You can choose to believe.
You keep looking but you can't find the woods,
While you're hiding in the trees

What if everything around you,
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Would you find yourself... find yourself afraid to see?

What if you could look right through the cracks,
Would you find yourself... find yourself afraid to see? WOW