Destructive Distillation

Its nearly two in the morning. Another day is nearing its end and I lay here not really awake but nowhere sleepy. For quite a while now I have felt no difference between day and night save the lights in the sky. I hear distant sounds of birds chirping. Strange! I last heard them at a very early hour in the morning when I was about to call it a day and the world around me supposedly about to wake. It seems like they too have lost the sense of place and time.

These days whenever my minds needs a rest the body slips into a comfortable stance and I am napping away in a jiffy, even if sometimes standing up is the only comfortable position I can be in. I fall asleep at any convenient place and at random times. Elders say it is a boon to be able to fall asleep with ease. But I cant really tell if it is a virtue or vice. People around me find it strange and disconcerting. I dont care but am wary sometimes as these naps may be disorienting sometimes. But why do I fall asleep? Because I have really nothing to do?? I would rather say nothing really interesting to and it has become like a defense mechanism to stop me from worrying about it.

Am I really resting at 4 or 5 in the morning when the lights are off and I am in my bed consciously asleep? I dream a lot and most of them are so realistic that some mornings I wake up and have to spend a few minutes to separate the truth from my dreams. They are so strongly grounded in facts and yet take fantastic twists and turns raising strong doubts about the mind resting part.

Reflecting on the times I am not asleep, I cant say I am really awake either. The usual things which keep me busy are monotonous and mostly done half awake. There is this ether of lethargy, characteristic to sleep enveloping me. It must be because of the soporific effect of the darned weather, cloudy all the time, it is dampening my spirits. I have hated this from as long as I can remember. Nothing is more cheerful to me than the warmth and brightness of sunshine. Alas it is a rare commodity thesedays.

I feel so numb most of the time. The only times I really am active and realize my complete wakefulness is due burst of hormones during an (sporadic) exciting activity of the limb or the brain. My senses are acute and I feel like I have just got a new lease of life as I buoy up to the surface and air gushes into my lungs. These novel experiences mental or physical keep me awake. Truly awake.